I Didn’t know I was me

For the majority of my childhood and teenage years, I could not imagine a life, where I was happy with myself…. happy with the true me.

First of all, it seemed like my environment did all it could to keep me from knowing my potential and actually exceeding it. Now that I’m older, I’m aware that the enemy was just afraid of me becoming alllll that God has called me to be. Bloop.

Anyways, back then, it didn’t matter how much support I received– the opposition was so blinding.

“You’re so smart!” “Look at that beautiful dark skin!” “You’re going to be so successful!” “Don’t pay attention to what anyone says about you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks!”

All of that sounded great in the moment, but in the face of hatred and opposition, those words never crossed my mind. All I could think was, “What is it about me that causes people to hate me? What’s wrong with me?” Honey, I played the victim role so well.

But, if I knew who I was back then…………..

Just recently, I watched TD Jakes’ sermon, I Didn’t Know I Was Me, which totally shifted my perspective. Jakes spoke about how sometimes, we allow ourselves to be talked to or treated a certain way because of a lack of self-actualization.

He referenced Gideon, who prayed for God to send help but what he didn’t know was, HE WAS WHO HE NEEDED. He was just unaware of the warrior inside of him.

As I watched his sermon, in awe, I reminisced on the times, where I cried out to God for help.

As a child, walking through the hallways of Bass Elementary, I was bullied daily. I can remember sitting in the stairwell, crying and silently asking God for relief. I wanted someone to stand up for me. I yearned for protection or for the attention to be turned elsewhere.

But, if I knew who I was back then….

The thing is, every part of our lives has been perfectly orchestrated by God. The enemy attempts to use certain circumstances to convince us otherwise. His goal is to persuade us that life is better without God and outside of His Will.

The reality is this: The Lord uses every season of our lives to prepare us for who He has called us to be.

Life’s experiences are life’s lessons.

Unfortunately, some of my life’s experiences taught me the wrong lessons. The bullying and rejection led me down a road of people-pleasing.

The fear of people activated in me, throughout the years, which gave sooo many people way too much access to me. It felt safe to be a doormat. Even in this past season, I didn’t realize how much I had overexerted myself because I didn’t want to disappoint people.

But, if I knew who I was…….

Looking at where I am now, I am MORE aware of who I am. I went through the Gideon season for years because I had no clue that God was activating something in me that would change the trajectory of my life.

I didn’t know that I was Jayanna, when people bullied me, or else I would’ve fought for myself a long time ago.

I didn’t know I was Jayanna, when I allowed “friends” to use me, or else I would’ve said “no” more often and created more boundaries.

I didn’t know I was Jayanna, when I settled for “situationships,” or else I would’ve kicked those clowns to the curb, wayyyy sooner.

I now know that I’m Jayanna, with time left to become Jayanna… if that makes sense.

I didn’t know who I was back then, but God always knew. And, I am so grateful that he used my life to introduce myself to me.

So, allow me to introduce myself to you all:

I am Jayanna Arnold.

Romans 5:3-4- Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Judge 6:15-16- “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” The LORD answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.”

Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.